I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
they need to just BURY HIM!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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