Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
