I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
