I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
