it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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