There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
These tits shall not be calmed
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
