she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
