My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize