We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
