I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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