You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
