I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
