can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
