i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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