my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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