Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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