I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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