A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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