I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
