I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
