There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
