We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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