You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
