Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
