guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize