oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
