I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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