i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
