Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
