She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We were destined to go to rehab together
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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