Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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