so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
the condom got lost in my hair
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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