just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
