It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
