So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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