Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
