have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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