I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
