I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
