Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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