My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
