why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize