I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
