dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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