What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Your cock deserves a montage
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
