i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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