he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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