i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
