I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
