Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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