Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
