yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Soap is not a condiment
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
