you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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