I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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