guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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