Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
