Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
its not stalking. its research.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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