Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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