I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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